Promise to a Princess

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To you my love

I promise to have & to hold

To comfort and protect

To fight for and not

grow weary

To love for eternity

To provide shelter from this storm

that is “life as we know it” but falls short of Divine

Together we will lift each other

up

Up out of the darkness, the black

hole that is hell as we know it

Up to heaven we go I pray

to meet the creator

Who created you my lovely

so fair

such a sight for weary eyes

My darling, my princess you

shall be

at the alter of the King of

the Most High.

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To You

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I miss your half smile.

I miss your tired eyes

speaking of your hard line of work.

I miss your voice

accent any American would kill for.

I miss your body

and the way you work hard to perfect it.

I miss the way you brush your fingers through your hair

and the way you tell me you want me.

I miss laying with you

after a late night of drinking, dancing, talking, and loving.

I miss our deep conversations

the ones where you tell me about your life, ask me about mine, and say you want me forever.

It’s only been a little while

but your just so far away.

It’s hard to explain to others

they say you’re so far away but assure me it could work out.

What really are the logistics of distance relationships?

distance ended all my past relationships for good.

Do you think about me?

maybe right before you drift off you wish I was by your side…

I think about you.

when the sun shines, when I hear a British accent, when I’m drifting off to sleep alone.

I wish you were by my side.

Rat Race

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Sometimes I wish my dreams would become reality; didn’t dreams used to seem more possible?

Am I in a rat race convincing myself this is the only way, that security and education, and a salary will lead me to where I want to be?

Sometimes I just want to say “fuck it”

I want to pick up and leave.

Go back and live where I could have a comfortable life, be near my grounded parents, go to school without a full-time job..

Move to another state. One where marijuana is legal, dogs come to restaurants, everyone runs for fun and commutes on bikes.

But I stay here. I stay for the security and freedom. I stay to earn my Master’s. I hope for a bright future.

There is always another step.

I thought after I got into college with all the GPA stress and SAT and ACT nonsense college would be a breeze.

Then I thought okay college classes and not earning much money kinda sucks but once I get a B.S. then I can get a great job.

Then I land a job.

Then I look forward to starting grad school.

Then I start grad school.

Don’t you see what I mean?

Always a next.

I just want to be happy in the moment.

For me.

For me.

For me.

My own mini pity party

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Here I am

In my own mini pity party

Thinking about what could have been

What never really was

Grasping at a false reality

 

Wishing you understood

How foolish you are

How immature

How naive

 

How your pain, selfishness,

and consequent actions

affect others

 

How I’m fortunate

I got away

No thanks to you

But to the supernatural powers

That draw us to others

 

O how God’s gift of light

And the hard work

He gives us the privilege to pursue

Lift me out of my mini pity party

Into some things new

 

 

When He Leaves

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Maybe one decision really can change the rest of your life.

We parted ways, and I never thought it would be the last time.

He drove away, and I couldn’t believe it. That he had blown me off.

The mixed signals.

The uncommunication.

The silence.

The past pain making us into people we  wish we weren’t;

at least I wish I wasn’t

defined by past pain

past relationships that ended badly..

I want to be a better person

I want to let go of all my anxiety

and fear

I want to love with my full heart

I wish I wasn’t so attune to the pain, empathy they call it

to other people’s pain

It haunts me at night

Pain I have caused

Pain others have caused

I see it in their eyes,

their countenance,

their face,

sad eyes,

hunched shoulders..

I want to take away their pain

I want to love them

I want to love myself

They say love makes the world go round but why do we spend so much time faking it

faking happiness and love and jumping into relationships

What is real and what is make believe

Where do we stand

This wall… is it brick or is it sand

is it wood or is it glass

that will shatter in an instant

if someone takes a leap of faith

Or is it water

that distorts the image of the person on the other side

but is so refreshing to walk through

Who really knows

Why he leaves

When he leaves