Rat Race

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Sometimes I wish my dreams would become reality; didn’t dreams used to seem more possible?

Am I in a rat race convincing myself this is the only way, that security and education, and a salary will lead me to where I want to be?

Sometimes I just want to say “fuck it”

I want to pick up and leave.

Go back and live where I could have a comfortable life, be near my grounded parents, go to school without a full-time job..

Move to another state. One where marijuana is legal, dogs come to restaurants, everyone runs for fun and commutes on bikes.

But I stay here. I stay for the security and freedom. I stay to earn my Master’s. I hope for a bright future.

There is always another step.

I thought after I got into college with all the GPA stress and SAT and ACT nonsense college would be a breeze.

Then I thought okay college classes and not earning much money kinda sucks but once I get a B.S. then I can get a great job.

Then I land a job.

Then I look forward to starting grad school.

Then I start grad school.

Don’t you see what I mean?

Always a next.

I just want to be happy in the moment.

For me.

For me.

For me.

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My own mini pity party

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Here I am

In my own mini pity party

Thinking about what could have been

What never really was

Grasping at a false reality

 

Wishing you understood

How foolish you are

How immature

How naive

 

How your pain, selfishness,

and consequent actions

affect others

 

How I’m fortunate

I got away

No thanks to you

But to the supernatural powers

That draw us to others

 

O how God’s gift of light

And the hard work

He gives us the privilege to pursue

Lift me out of my mini pity party

Into some things new

 

 

When He Leaves

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Maybe one decision really can change the rest of your life.

We parted ways, and I never thought it would be the last time.

He drove away, and I couldn’t believe it. That he had blown me off.

The mixed signals.

The uncommunication.

The silence.

The past pain making us into people we  wish we weren’t;

at least I wish I wasn’t

defined by past pain

past relationships that ended badly..

I want to be a better person

I want to let go of all my anxiety

and fear

I want to love with my full heart

I wish I wasn’t so attune to the pain, empathy they call it

to other people’s pain

It haunts me at night

Pain I have caused

Pain others have caused

I see it in their eyes,

their countenance,

their face,

sad eyes,

hunched shoulders..

I want to take away their pain

I want to love them

I want to love myself

They say love makes the world go round but why do we spend so much time faking it

faking happiness and love and jumping into relationships

What is real and what is make believe

Where do we stand

This wall… is it brick or is it sand

is it wood or is it glass

that will shatter in an instant

if someone takes a leap of faith

Or is it water

that distorts the image of the person on the other side

but is so refreshing to walk through

Who really knows

Why he leaves

When he leaves

 

 

Ten pieces of (unsolicited) advice for everyone trying to figure themselves out

The truth.

Vodka on Heels

  1. It will be okay. Even if you flunked your exam, or got left at the altar, even if rock bottom feels like home..things will get better. All you need is the mere belief that they will..and they will, really. And darling, slicing your wrists off and seeing your life bleed out of you will not make things better. Throw your blades and pills away, and walk and out and smell the sunshine. Breathe. It’ll be okay.
  2. Be selfish. Love yourself unconditionally and without recourse. Love yourself more than you’ve loved anyone or anything before, more than what you are even capable of loving so forth. Love yourself in moments you wish someone else would, love yourself in moments when you’ve been drained of all the love you could possibly give away. Have a whispered conversation with the darkest corners of your soul, just like you have with the sunlit ones- and embrace…

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The Rose-Tinted Specs

Just A Small Town Girl...

It was a frosty Wednesday morning and she was power-walking her way to work. Only one thought occupying her mind: there was no doubt about it, for the past nine months she’d been stuck in a rut. Nine months. Nine WHOLE months. She could’ve done something productive like created a new life in that time! But no, she’d opted to waste 36 weeks of her life pining after her ex.

Much to her frustration she still missed him like crazy. Often to the point where she was sure that she felt a physical pain in her chest whenever she was reminded of him. And make no mistake, everything reminded her of him. A whiff of his cologne as she passed a stranger in the street, adverts for his favourite TV show plastered on billboards in Piccadilly Circus, a busker outside Costa singing that song that he’d mimed along to at that cocktail bar in Camden…

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Never

Great poem!
*snap*snap*snap*

Vodka on Heels

I never wanted to fall
In love with
you.

I never wanted
it to happen that
way, never meant to
let the news of your
existence spill across
my being, never meant to
let my heart thump
against my ribs when
you smiled like that
from across the
coffee table. I never
meant to let you
sew the strings of
my heart to yours, never
meant to delve into
the depth of your eyes
when they twinkled with
anticipated mischief, never
meant to look at you
so bemused, like you were
a piece of art only I was
capable of looking at, and that
if I didn’t look hard enough,
I’d never figure it
out. I never meant to try
and fix you, mend
your cracks, because even
though I wanted to be
your Wonder Woman,
you never wanted
to be fixed. I never meant to
lock you in poetry scribbled
across cheap paper, or…

View original post 115 more words

Take Care

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Take take take

That’s what you do

Make excuses for your greediness

To hide your loneliness

 

Love could heal your pain

If you only let it in

Leave your ego at the door

Carry your cross I pray!

 

Life is short

Heaven is forever

Who will you be

When death comes knocking at your door

 

I will give you every chance

To be the man I know you to be

Deep down

In your heart of hearts

Is a beat

That scares you

 

Paralyzed by fear

Just come near

Let me hold you tight

And never let you go